Dara's Birth
Thank you for all your love and well wishes.
As you’re all well versed in our birth story with Sacha, I thought to take a moment and let you know how Dara's arrival went.
We are now one week in and things are starting to stabilize. All in all, while there have been some challenges, this experience is nothing like our first and for that we are grateful every second.
Dara was due on August 22, we had a planned C-Section on that day, but we were able to change our minds at any time to do a vaginal delivery. Our doctor gave us the choice. I was on the fence for my whole pregnancy, I knew it was going to be a game-day decision.
Last week things started to change and I felt Dara was not going to wait till the 22nd. On Tuesday the 13 my contractions started, and we realized we were going to meet our little man sooner than anticipated. By the evening of the 14th we were in action. I still did not know what I was going to do, even on our way to the hospital.
Between contractions I would think, 'I want to do a vaginal birth', during the contractions I had a strong feeling of 'I don't want to do a vaginal birth'. When we arrived at the hospital we were at 4cm going on 5cm, fully effaced, water about to break, this was the time to decide, because Dara was coming fast. Regardless of the preparation and healing I did to prepare for Dara’s arrival, there was a place where the trauma still lived and I thought I can’t rish going through what we went through with Sacha. My game-day decision was to opt for a c-section. And that was that.
Suddenly Max was taken away to prepare, I was redressed, wheeled from here to there, IVs were placed, all the while having progressive contractions. Suddenly I was in a huge bright spaceship looking operating room. I had an all-women superstar team buzzing around me and honestly I had no idea what I was doing. But everyone was amazing. They were strong, reassuring, comforting, everything I never had the first round. These women held me. I started to cry from anxiety and they held space for my nerves. No one ever tried to convince me either way, all they did was honour my decision and support me through it. Surgery went great. Dara was perfect. We were able to hold him immediately, I was able to get him on my breast very soon after, and for these reasons alone it was all worth it.
Recovery for me unfortunately has not been soooo smooth. Soon after we arrived home I started to feel worse, I was short of breath, unable to lay down without feeling a weight on my chest, gasping for air -- all feelings that I knew too well from last time, I had water in my lungs, again! The last thing I wanted to do was go back to the hospital but my brother and Max convinced me. And thankfully they did, I was treated and re-released on Monday, and being followed for the next week or so.
The biggest difference this time is that I used my voice more. I said NO (a lot). I did not go with any decision a nurse or doctor made that didn't feel right. I knew better. I knew better to put my trust in me, and not just them.
I'm still healing. It has its ups and downs. It's harder than I anticipated (silly since a c-section is surgery). Beyond the pain (and the helplessness at times), it's hard not to be able to pick up + hold Sacha for 6 weeks. This is something I didn't think about, that is putting a strain on our bond, which breaks my heart.
This experience is still worlds apart from our last. We have had joy everyday. We have had moments of calm. We have had moments when I feel we have it all together. These are things we didn't feel for months last time - and we’re only at week 1. I know it will only get better from here.
Some unexpected challenges have been Sacha and Max got gastro from daycare, pink eye, again, and some virus cold thing that no one (including me) can shake off. Besides the fact that being sick is awful, it is also incredibly dangerous with a newborn, so our unification as a family of four has been a little strange as we have had to limit interactions. But again we will heal, and the boys will have their whole lives to get to know each other. For now we’re keeping everyone healthy and loved.
The best news is that we are breastfeeding!
Latch within the first hour (vs. 3 months with Sacha), milk within the first 3 days (vs. 1 month with Sacha), birth weight regained by one week. I could not be more happy! My breastfeeding dream has come true! This is what mattered most to me, more than any ideal birth story, so I celebrate every feed (which is really all the time).
We have to thank my brother for jumping in the car early morning on the 14 and staying with us for a week. We literally do not know what we would have done without his support. Having him here was a godsend. He was the best teammate we could ask for, he best uncle to Sacha, great support for Max and incredible strength for me. We faced and surmounted our first week challenges because we had Yashar here! On that note huge thanks goes to Megan for holding down the fort at home so that Yashar can support us fully here. Thank you for your tireless support. And Anna, for the food, for the parking spot, for the tag teaming, for the love and support. You’re really someone who helps make Montreal home for us.
For now, I heal, cuddle my baby boys (that's plural now), and breastfeed a lot!
i am ayla
born in the east, raised in the west
daughter of two academics, both artists
masters in human rights, committed to social justice
love affair with travel, art, and food
speaks four languages, laughs in all